We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
