Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
