I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
