Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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