i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just forgot I was standing up.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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