and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
