I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
