There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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