OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
