i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Dicks are not precious.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
