I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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