Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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