shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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