I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
