I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
