we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
