one word: firstdatebathroomanal
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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