She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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