she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
