There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
