I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
