a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
