she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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