shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
