im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
