Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
