I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
