oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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