Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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