I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
