How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
