So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
