$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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