You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
