Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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