Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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