News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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