I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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