Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
