I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
