I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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