i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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