So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
