update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
