Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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