when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
