Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
