Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
