I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
