I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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